A couple of years ago, my wife said that she needs to record my responses to people’s questions because they are funny. Initially, I did not take seriously what she said because we all say nice things to our loved ones. And it is not necessary true. It also does not guarantee that other people would share the same view.
Then she said it again and again. And I thought that just because she said it more than once, I shall share it with the world. Whether the rest seven billion people would not find it funny, it is absolutely fine with me. The most important factor is that I am one of the very few men whose wife still finds her husband funny and entertaining after 28 years of marriage.
So here they are (my answers are in blue)
1) Vacancies in my department
– Do you have vacancy in your department?
– I need to check. Are you familiar with what it takes to do business development?
– Not really. I actually just what to check and then I will think whether I would want to get a transfer.
– Oh. Sorry, it might not be up to your standards. Because we sent our Red Carpet to a dry cleaning.
– Can you be nice?
– No. I am not weather. The weather is nice. I am well-mannered and polite, when and where it is appropriate. But I am not nice.
– You can make a stone cry.
– Why only one stone? I would prefer the entire mountain.
4) When I entered a meeting room
– Oh. Talking about Devil.
– No, I am not him. But I used to coach him. He’s nice guy. I also coached Mother Teresa but she could not take it and died. But before she died, she looked at me and said: “After knowing you, I became a better person.” (last sentence I borrowed from Dame Edna Everage)
5) I attended one of receptions whereby one woman continued to say “I love Jesus” after every three to five sentences (and she was the most talkative). I am only human. Therefore, after a while I could not take it anymore and asked:
– I am sorry, I would very much appreciate if you could explain to me, how can you love someone if you have never met him?
6) After Catholic Church scandal started to unfold (whereby we all learnt that thousands of children were molested and sexually abused by priests), I said to one person:
– Do you know why priests wear cassock, or sautane? Because it is easier to masturbate.
7) Bring it
– You are such a Bitch.
– Yes, thank you for the compliment. By the way, if you’d like to put it in writing, could you please spell it in caps, make it bold and highlight in red. It looks nicer this way.
8) In one conversation, few individuals were criticising one of my colleague because of his sexual orientation. I take “Do Not Judge” seriously and I do not welcome talks behind someone’s back. Therefore, I defended him. This is where one of my companion said that I am a pervert. To which I answered:
– Who cares about a hole, or how it looks like. Not to mention where it is located. If “happy end” is included, I am all for it because these are the moments worth living for.